I was feeling down this morning about my vacation. In fact, I was down-right sick. Migraines? Since when? Thank heaven Angel Baby slept late, then played quietly this morning, I was in really bad shape. I could barely focus my eyes feeding the kids lunch, but we got through it. This afternoon I finally stopped throwing up and kept my lunch in. Thunderstorm hit and the air pressure changed, then my headache got better. Interesting...coincidence?
But more to the point, I was feeling kind of crappy about the lack of work I've got done this week. I had a specific list of things I wanted to get done. Sure, I have a few days left, but I don't think I want to spend them cleaning. I am pretty good about paring down items when I'm doing regular cleaning, so I will have to keep that up. I do (thank goodness for my mother and all her help these days) have the house back to maintainable. It is presentable in all rooms. I can spend 15 minutes in each area and tackle the big hot spots and be fine. Including my office. But first I need to round up all my laundry baskets!! Really, I think there is one in every room right now. Meh, at least they're clean. And as I've said before, my boys will never complain about the clothes in a basket, they really don't care. They probably wouldn't care if they were not clean. Just sniff test and go...hahaha. I am so glad some days that I was born a girl.
Huh...still not at the POINT of this story.
It should be obvious that I needed this break. I was seriously on the edge of something scary. Instead of picking up toys and sorting papers, this week has so far been pretty hard core emotional clean up. I've had such a cluttered mind because of things I could not let go of. I've been reluctant to talk openly to my trucker and let some small issues turn big. I've been missing at the school, because I'm trying to put out too many fires all the time. I've been too busy. Way too busy. And I don't like who I am becoming.
There was this one mother at the school a few years ago that drove me insane. She was the one running down the halls with a cell pasted to her ear, with sweats on under the trench coat (did she think no one could see it?) She was always late and frequently let her kid out in the middle of the street or parked ON the crosswalk. She was queen of her own world. Her poor kid was rushed and pushed and dragged through the morning and then again after school. All because she was distracted, and then late. And now I feel like I'm her replacement.
Today when I realized it was 2 minutes from the school bell as I left my house, I could have been in a rush. The weather was crappy, I had to catch another student who I was giving a ride home to, Art had asked to go to a friend's after school and I needed to speak to the mother.... But I didn't. I told myself that the kids will come to the door. I see the other student every day, today will be no different if I catch her in the school or out. (and thankfully, the mom had already informed the school and the student so there was no issue at all). I knew that the mom of Art's friend always parks in the same area I do, so if nothing else, I would catch her outside.
So, I did not rush. I didn't even walk faster. I let Angel Baby walk and set the pace. We got to the van and played while I buckled her car seat. We got to the school and the parking wasn't crazy. The bell rang as I got there and I made it in to talk to everyone I needed to see.
Today, this was really ME. Yes, I spent most of the day sick, but I was not in a huff or a panic when I got to the school. I was able to smile at the other parents, exchange hello's, make eye contact. I was the mom I happiest being.
Do you see? The only thing that changed was my perspective. I could easily have freaked. Snatched up Angel Baby, forced her shoes on, ran out the door with her on my hip, fought with her to get her buckled (would you blame her for resisting?) Then jumped in and rushed to the school, end up parking farther away because I think I can get closer, then have to turn around and go back to where 3 more cars have parked too.... And it's raining today. I'd be running, baby on hip through the rain....
Been there. Done that. Like last week.
I'm not sure what changes I will make or how this is going to go, but I need to slow down. I need to be MOM before wife, employee, sister, friend, banker, cleaner, cook....
I don't want to be last on my list of priorities. I need to put me first. No more making my interests second. It is not frivolous or stupid to take time to read a book of my own choosing. It is not a luxury to blog here, it is my choice. My right to have time to myself.
I will take care of me. Then I will take care of my family. A lesson I have heard a thousand times, but never been able to take to heart. Maybe this will do it. I sincerely expected to get a ton of stuff done today, but couldn't do any of it. My body said NO. And I get the message.
Some things just don't matter.
I am officially releasing myself from any of the projects I was hoping to accomplish this week. I am allowing myself to take a casual 15 minutes here and there to work on smaller projects in those same areas instead. I will read. I will write. I will play with my kids. I will spend time with my trucker. I will smile, I will laugh, I will say yes more and No less.
I will try to keep my voice in line, no yelling.
I will lower my expectations of myself. And stop letting others get me down.
I am who I am and I'm damn good at it!