Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The End Of The Affair

Once, in the heat of a really big argument, the Trucker confessed that he believed I was having an affair.  In the midst of the argument, I was quick to attack and defend. This was just simply unacceptable. He had to know that. How could I ever consider an affair?

After some speedbumps and great detours on this marriage highway, I have come to understand the truth behind accusations like these. We work through our issues together, I understand that he is just as vulnerable as me sometimes.  We all have times where we feel left out and start to think someone else is getting all the goods. This is true in a way, except that my time is eaten by three little monsters who, all together, might equal the weight and physical area of a lover but are a lot less ...  

First, I'll tell you the truckers point of view, which is completely valid (unless you are in the middle of an argument) then I'll share my side.
  1. I have occasional chunks of time that I can't account for.
  2. I rarely get to bed at the same time as the trucker.
  3. I'm always exhausted and uninterested in ... things.
  4. I have a world of friends he doesn't know.
  5. I am home all day. I have plenty of time to do anything.
  6. I have access to babysitters easily when needed.
  7. I stopped attempting to look sexy.
  8. I don't always answer the phone when he calls.
  9. I seem to be overly critical of his faults.
  10. I don't initiate ... anything.
See.. if he did this to me... I would likely assume that he was messing around too.
But the reality is this, I couldn't ever find the time to have an affair if I wanted to AND, if I were to make time appear magically, what kind of lover would I have that is always available in the daytime hours... doesn't he work?
1. I have occasional chunks of time that I can't account for. The pure result of procrastination. I can find a way to stretch 10 minutes in to 2 hours sometimes, and I don't want to tell you because I'm kind of embarassed. "What did you do today, dear?" "Well, I stared at the kitchen floor and drank a cup of coffee for 45 minutes this morning, I ran downstairs about 7 times to get the towels from the dryer and kept forgetting them there. Then I sat on the couch to try to figure out what the hell I was doing.  Not to mention the million spills or questions or everything else that comes from a toddler in the house..."  Not very appealing, is it?
2. I rarely get to bed at the same time as the trucker. When he goes to bed before the kids because he leaves for work at 2 or 3 am.... I should not have to validate this with an answer. But I will.  I can't sleep if I know my kids are awake. It is a physical impossibility. I will toss and turn in bed for hours until I drag my ass out and check on them to make sure they are all okay.  Experiences with ambulances make sleep hard to come by.
3. I'm always exhausted and uninterested in ... things.  I am not uninterested. I'm just unable. There is always something going on. I'm careful. Didn't you ever walk in on your parents? Not. Cool. I don't want to be that parent.  And for the exhausted part? See #2 but add the fact that I haven't had a full night of sleep in a very long time. My kids may be getting older, but with bedwetting, growing pains, hubbys who wake up at odd hours to go to work, teething and bad dreams (mine and kids!) I am incredibly unlikely to sleep a full night through.
4. I have a world of friends he doesn't know. Really?  Where?  I must not know them either!  I have a very small few and I hardly get time to talk to them regularly at all. I'm just recently starting to meet more mommies online, but those I do interact with are usually up just as late as I am. And... again... they are online. They are not close enough to babysit my kids so I can sneak off with Mr. Invisible for some fun.
5.. I am home all day, I have plenty of time. Really?  Wish I could find it. Aside from lost time due to procrastination and distractions like Facebook, I have a pretty tight daytime schedule.  And I work. And I have a perfectionist mom who likes everything spotless... all the time.  And .... I could go on forever with what is wrong with my time. (I have, actually, see my whole blog for reference!!) I can't always make time for kids field trips, why would I waste time on another MAN.
6. I have access to babysitters easily when needed. If there was truth in this statement, him and I could spend more time alone together! And I can't leave my kids with a sitter without telling my sitter where I'm going, so I would have to recruit lying sitters. I don't think a babysitter who lie easily for me would make me feel comfortable enough to leave my kids there?!?!?
7. I stopped attempting to look sexy.  I will avoid the possible insult hidden plainly in there.  I stopped some because I was oversleeping and depressed. I stopped again when he thought it was all for someone else. I stopped because I gained weight. I just finally have regular clothes that fit. Sexy Lingerie is not that high on my priority list, and none of what I have fits.
8. I don't always answer the phone when he calls. I do stuff. I'm not always sitting here staring at the kitchen floor drinking my coffee. I have kids. I have errands, I have 2 other phones in the house. I have to PEE sometimes too, you know.
9. I seem to be overly critical of his faults. Now we are hitting the things that may carry weight in his defense. I have been overly critical. We hit the lowest point of our relationship and marriage not too long ago and I was not very nice. Sometimes, criticism is perceived where it doesn't exist and sometimes it comes out of sheer frustration. BUT. I own this fact. I have committed myself to finding the good and when there is bad, I will try to find a positive or constructive way for both of us to discuss it. Sometimes, his fault are a direct result of my behavior. (Like my control freak tendencies...)
10. I don't initiate ... anything.  This is only half true.  On worknights, I can't. Unless I lock the kids out of our room or something and jump him while the kids are having dinner?  See #2 & 3 above. On weekends, he is so accustomed to being up at 4 am that he sleeps til 8 and that is 'sleeping in' I can't peel myself awake until I have to and the kids will often sleep past 10. I can't initiate anything in the morning, except the coffee preparations.  The nights are the same as the weeknights just a bit later. We all stay up later except the trucker is tired earlier.

An Affair is a great fantasy idea. Perhaps a dream in a steamy shower?  Or just a random daydream when it's been too long at home.. but in reality it's just not that great of an idea. The thought of Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome sweeping me off my feet and carrying me to a bed covered in rose petals with candles all around?  Dreamy... 

But here in the real world, the thought of trying to schedule a sitter, squeeze some time in before the boys have to be picked up from school, plan and arrange a place to go as my house is always full of traffic (and people), find Mr. You'll Have To Do Cuz You Fit My Schedule and what... have a quickie in the back of my minivan?  For real?  There is just nothing sexy about that.  Seriously, in my case anyway, the end of the affair is ever present as it could never actually be started.

That is the main reason I watch the Young & The Restless!

If I have to plan, schedule, coordinate, what EVER to get me a little fun.... I'm going to have a quickie in the van with the one who helps me make the payments on it! 

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