Saturday, May 7, 2011

Do I Look Fat In This?

Or tired?
Or supremely lazy?
Or like I have been used as a Kleenex all day?

Lately, I think the answers to all of these questions are YES. And a very loud YES indeed.  However, my family is well trained enough to NEVER say so, and my friends are my friends because they are either nice enough to keep those thoughts to themselves, or they answer the same questions the same way as I do. Haha.

I had a fun meeting for work yesterday.  Yes, occasionally, I have fun at work (actually a lot, but don't tell my boss that. He might think that I don't really want a raise!!).  We were visited by an image consultant.  Gotta love her for trying.  Her advice is FANTASTIC for those who don't have small kids, or those who work full time and have a locking wardrobe. (yes, it needs to lock... or said children will wipe their noses on your dress pants while playing hide and seek in your closet.  AND It's very unlikely you'll notice until you are already in a meeting or at the office.)

I'm not saying it's impossible for a mom to not have style.  We can.  But we are also realistic.  We were offered 10 commandments for shopping, all of which I will follow when all of my children can successfully use Kleenex without assistance.  So now I'll offer my reasons for NOT following.

1. Yes, high quality fabrics last longer.  But I will not buy $200 pants because I have to spend that $200 on groceries or diapers or a new lock for the closet.  I have $20.00 right now, and these pants are 15.00 and by fluke in my size, so I will buy CHEAP PANTS.

2. Crayons hide in washing machines. And if you always wash everything with cold water, they can and WILL stay hidden until they see an nice unsuspecting two hundred dollar pair of pants. At this point, they will jump out and bury themselves in your clothes, hitching a ride into your dryer where it will spread the love all OVER.  (much like the mud puddle in Robert Munsch.)

3. I just made reference to Robert Munsch in a post about fashion.

4. Jeans are dressing "UP"  I am not in pj's or sweatpants.

5. I'm married to a trucker. I don't want to make him look bad.

6. I don't want to analyze seams on the shoulder, just to see if it is a more cushioned place for you to smear your chocolate/snot/teary face.

7. EVERYTHING gets washed in cold water. I do not use special soaps. I almost never use a delicate cycle. Dry Clean Only = wash in cold but don't put in dryer.
8. I don't iron.  I have a steamer to fix those wrinkles that develop from forgetting the laundry in a basket for a few days.  Takes 3 seconds, no pressing, no seam lines.

9. I quit smoking and gained weight.  This extra weight is new enough that I am still refusing to allow it permanent residence on my a$$.  I won't buy clothes that fit this shape!!

10.  Accessories are made from random buttons or macaroni. Fancy stitching actually looks more like markers. (Yeah, the box that said washable LIED.)
Applique?  is that french for coffee stains?

I'm not saying our presenter was wrong.  I agree wholeheartedly with her advice. Especially ones like not wearing skinny jeans if you are not skinny.  And my wardrobe before I outgrew it, fits many of her rules.  But I still never paid that much for anything, I got a job at their outlet store and spend 5-10 bucks on timeless, well made, high quality, 200$ pieces.

I think that the image consultant industry is run by people who don't have kids (or have livein nannies, maybe), are super skinny, and have more money and time than they should.

And, as I can admit things more freely here, I will tell you that the advice she gave yesterday has sunk in.  I did not dress in my usual 'uniform' today.  I am in PJ's. so there.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Proud Shining Moments of Mommyhood

Tonight when I went to tuck Art in for the night, he was lying perfectly still and flat on his back.

I brushed his hair back off his forehead as I grew accustomed to doing before the last hair cut and I caught that little glimmer in the corner of his eye.  I slowly leaned down to give him a good night kiss there and

I yanked the covers off.
Sure enough, the little monkey had toys under there.  Three monster trucks and a key on a ring.  I put the cars back and almost dropped one.  Then I realized they were locked together by the front bumpers.  The lock is from his little journal.

I said "Art, you need to take these apart. One of these days you'll be looking for the lock and forget where you put it."

"No"  he says, "I won't, I'll forget where I put the keys."

Nothin' but pride. D'oh.