Thursday, July 21, 2011

Sometimes I Wish I Was a Drinker

I know that it's not healthy for those who turn to the drink to cope. Sometimes, life is just plain hard. It's exhausting. It breaks your heart.  I wish that I could wash away the things that tear at my heart.  I wish that I could shut off the voices that plague me.  

But I'm not that kind of person.

I feel too much, I worry too much. I feel personal pain for others misfortune. I shouldn't, I know that. The only choices I can control are my own. It's just my nature. I love too deeply. I care when I shouldn't. I worry even when I know I can't do anything at all to change what is happening.  I know my place. I state my piece and hope for the best.  I'm honest. I've been told WAY too many times that I am too honest. It shouldn't be a fault, but it can be.  

My heart breaks for those who are suffering, whether I know them or not. It hits harder when they are close. It hurts more when I want to step in and can't.  

A little girl, she's barely an adult. I tried everything to support her, and then I just couldn't anymore. I got close enough to see all the reasons everyone else had turned their backs. I got burned, just as they did. She's a big girl. At least, that is what I tell myself.  But it's not good. Words she whispered haunt me. Things she spoke loudly... without words.  I held on as tight as I could but it was beyond my control. He pushed me out, like he pushed everyone out.  I just pray that there are some of us left when she finally sees what we saw.  I can't erase the things she told me. I can't erase the fear I heard in her voice when she was ready to leave. The exceptional plans she had made to leave.  She covered every angle, so she wouldn't be found. And if found, she was still safe. 
I can't let go of the fear I felt when she called to tell me she was marrying him.  I don't want to care. I want to let go.

A lady, my age, I've known all my life. Lost in a world of constant fear.  She pushes away those who sincerely wants to help, I'm not sure if she knows that. She tears through other peoples lives, to justify her shortcomings. She dreams of a peaceful life. Without health problems and nightmares of losing those she loves.  I've held her countless times as a friend. I've reached out when she didn't want to be near anyone. I've tried... I've tried many times.  But my life seems entirely different and she doesn't want to see it. She rips at my soul when I see her. I've said my goodbye's to that dream of connection. I let go, but I can never forget her.

Another, who has withdrawn herself from conflict whenever possible.  She has hidden from the slightest complication in life. Now, when her own life is becoming complicated, she is not able to deal with it directly.  She chose to ignore those tough times, and now has no skills to cope on her own. In the process, she has shut away many of those who could have helped.

A father who lost his young wife tragically and much too soon. Thrust into the world of single parenting. Lost to a world of hiding his pain in a bottle or pill.

Those who hurt others purely for spite. They don't know what damage they caused. They don't see what they have lost in the long term. 

Those who turn your words of encouragement and support against you. 

Yet another, who fell madly in love with someone who would never commit. So much so, that he only flirted from the other end of the country.

One who is obsessed. One who is sick. One who is lonely but afraid to break out of her shell.  

I feel so much more than I should. All I can be is a shoulder to lean on, I can't change how they will carry out their lives. But I still wish dearly that I could. That there was just one more thing I could do or say that would make all the difference.  I offer advice, but it falls on deaf ears. No one can help if you don't believe there is anything wrong. Right?


Those who have helped to mold my life, often gave unwanted advice. Those who have pushed me to face my own fears, to break free of my own inner silence, they are the reason I'm still standing. 

I internalize everything.  To a fault. When you say something mean to me, I will play it over and over in my mind. I will seek the truth in the words. Sometimes, I will find that the truth has nothing to do with me but others, I find the answers and make changes. If enough people are telling you something is wrong, chances are good that something IS wrong.  I listened. I've made changes.

I can deal with just about anything these days. I have been puked on, spit on, climbed on. I have sat with my child in a hospital bed, praying that he just starts breathing without tubes.  I have been through the dark side of marriage. I have been cheated on, dumped and had my name run through the mud.  I have been bullied and I have been stalked. I have lived with alcoholics and drank myself into oblivion more than once. I have witnessed abuse, assault and domestic violence.  I have lost everything I owned and been buried in debt.  

I can get myself out of pretty much any situation that presents itself. But I can't get you out of yours.

Letting go.. is hard. Letting go of anything. But letting go is necessary if you ever want to be truly happy.  Why does it sometimes feel like a fault?  I can see clearly what I have tried and where I have failed. I know what I can and can't change. I know that the lines are drawn and I have no further effect on them.  

But it still hurts.  

I can let go, I can be free. These things, these thoughts that hurt me are mine. The thoughts that linger ARE under my control. I can choose to be free of this guilt, this pain. I can choose to accept that I tried. I did not fail, because the battle was not mine. I can use moments of all of these relationships to better my own life.

I will be aware of my choices.
I will carefully consider the advice of trusted friends.
I will always seek the truth in any statement made.
I will always be honest
I will always love too deeply.

I will be strong for those who are not. If I had always been strong, I would not have had these connections to begin with. Even if they do not learn the lesson they should, I can learn.

I seek happiness and peace in my life. I believe that a crucial point of moving forward is letting go of yesterday. However, I also know that I need to fully acknowledge what I am letting go of, or this process loses it's meaning.  Being happy, means accepting and understanding the things that are UNhappy.

I could sit here and mourn my losses. I could drink away the hurt. I could sit here and just be sad.  But the tears are gone and there are no more coming. I control my own happiness. I treasure the small moments as best I can.

Life changes constantly, we must change with it.  


  1. This is powerful and beautiful. Your words touch me deeply tonight. Thank you.

  2. Thank you Rachel. Coming from you who writes so beautifully the words I can't say, the dreams I strive for... your comment means a lot.

  3. INFJ!! You make me feel so sane and so not alone. Your post brought me to tears as you summed up everything in my mind and my heart. It is so hard for us. Everything hurts, everything is internalized, and everything hits hard. I tried to explain once to my husband how deeply I feel for everyone around me, even if I don't know them. I can just feel their emotions so strong and I just can't let them go. I hear stories on the news of bad things happening and I turn them over in my head until I feel ill. I tried to drink once, not as an alcoholic, but one night after I witnessed a bad car accident, just to finally escape my own mind. It didn't work. It just made the emotions stronger and made it all worse. I think we have no escape, but I think we have a strong purpose. I think INFJs are rare for a reason. We can help people, even when we don't realize it. It's a gift and a curse. I do think we are stronger than we realize.

  4. I agree with Tykes mom. You must be an infj. Our minds are difficult places to live.