There. I said it.
The world knows.
It's not a fail, as long as I don't start all over again. It was awful. It tastes bad. It burned my throat. I coughed and hacked my way through it. And as much as I wanted to just pitch the stupid thing out the window, I had that stubborn mom voice in my brain going
"oh no you don't. You wanted it, you smoke it. You paid for that and you're not gonna waste it. It stinks, doesn't it. You should have thought of that before you cracked."
Did I feel suddenly and overwhelmingly free of stress? No.
But it definitely did make a difference. I was angry and frustrated. I was feeling crappy and weak. I was also extremely edgy because I was having this massive craving attack, and I was overwhelmed at home. I left for a break. Grabbed my book and a notebook and pen. Jumped in the van and left, with NO kids and NO definite direction.
By that point it was a short discussion in my brain. "You're already miserable. Just go get it over with." So I did. I stopped at the corner store and bought smokes. Something I did a thousand times before, but just didn't feel the same.
Yes, almost immediately I started to feel better. Like the weight was drained off my shoulders. The need to kick something faded away. I was able to stop clenching (teeth and fists).
I also felt pretty stupid, too. That first drag, no .. actually the first taste of it as I held it in my lips before I even lit it.. was so very missed. And up until the second my throat started to burn, it was fantastic.
Do I want to go back to being a smoker? NO. Am I glad that I cracked? Well, kind of. I needed that moment of "wow. What am I doing?" to remind me why I quit.
And like a big girl, I came home and told the trucker. "I had a cigarette. It was awful. I'm sorry, I wish I could be as strong as you." And he said "Strong as me? I couldn't do that. If I had one, I'd be back to smoking all the time. You have amazing willpower."
I am an ex-smoker.
And I WILL stay that way.