Monday, April 11, 2011

Where Did All The Noise Go?

I am not sure how or when it happened.  Perhaps having the extreme paranoia float through me while I worried about the state of this lump on my foot was a wake up call?  But, somewhere in the past week things around here changed.
And for the better, too!

I found this sense of peace inside my head, a calm, quiet place.  I am constantly surrounded by noise and activity but I found the control that I used to have.  How do I know it's different?  I worked like crazy today, got my laundry folded and put away, did my shopping (Art's birthday just around the corner, he'll be 7!!), spent time outside with the angel baby, I even took care of a sick boy, spent time one on one time with Macboy and then with the trucker.  Then, I checked my emails, did mom's taxes, had some tea.....
It's just been an incredibly efficient day.  Realizing that I accomplished so much so easily and without that constant state of rush or panic, made me feel really good.  

I have been through periods of just living NUMB.  Times where I just can't find the strength inside me to fix what's wrong, and half the time don't even know what's wrong. So I just turn into Robo-Mommy.  I do the bare minimum, all the time, and rather than care either way, I just go numb.  Opinion-less.  I don't want to fight with someone else to do what needs to get done, but I don't do any of it with love.  I function mechanically, like a well programmed machine, and then when the numb effect wears off, I am wasted.

Once feeling starts to come back in, it is usually anger first.  If Depression was Alcohol, Anger would be my favorite drink.  I get mad at those who are not helping. I get mad at the person who's in my way (usually because they are trying to help) I get mad that the more I do, the more they expect. 
This is usually when the 
"If things don't start changing around here...."   
lines start to come out of my mouth.  And you know the worst part?  After this dose of anger, I end up with the hangover.  Angry with myself.  In shock that I even wasted my own breath to say such pointless or mean things.  Really, my 6 year old won't die if his underwear is on the floor beside the hamper.  And if I pick it up, it's because it bugs me.  I CAN leave it until the next time I do laundry!!
For what seems like months, I have been stuck in this cycle between angry and numb.  It seemed like something was just holding me under.  I could reach the surface. I could get my hands above water, but not my head.  I would get tired of being so angry. Then I'd just get tired.  Then I wouldn't get anything done, and I'd feel worse.  Then I'd get angrier. So I'd stop feeling.  Go Numb.  
Like shutting down the power and turning on the auto pilot.

I talked to a lot of people, I had fun times, I laughed, I played.  But the end of every day, I felt spent.  I couldn't sleep and if I did I was filled with twisted nightmarish dreams.  It was simply exhausting.  I was chasing my tail.

Then something changed. 

I really don't know what.  I just clued in today, but I have been running well for almost a week.  My laundry is caught up, my work hours are good for this week and it's only Monday.  Meals have been home cooked.  House is clean.  Nothing is getting forgotten in a child's backpack for school. We even have time in the morning for me to sit with the boys at breakfast.  This is new. 

I dropped a few small items off my to-do list. Some intentionally and some just sort of fell off.  But apparently those few items were a huge stress factor in my life?  I don't think that was it.

Maybe, I finally started listening to my own advice?  Maybe I stopped stressing about other peoples issues? Maybe, just maybe, sitting down and playing with dollies while the angel baby is trying to go potty, is saving my sanity?

I was forced to slow down.  To take time.  I was FORCED to enjoy every second.  No matter what I think or wish I had.... this is what I HAVE.  Stopping to play with angel baby, so that she'll stay on the potty long enough to go, means that I can't check emails, I can't start dinner, I can't pick up toys, I can't talk on the phone.  

I have to be MOMMY. And I have to PLAY.
And I know that more than anything else, 

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