I obsess over the details in my life. I am constantly revisiting events afterwards trying to figure out what I could have or maybe should have done differently. Learning to let yesterday go, like watching a cloud float by, is not easy. It is often necessary, but for someone like me, normallly very difficult. I have thought extensively about some bigger events in my life and realize that these are things that have happened that do not really affect me today, unless I think about them and choose to allow them to take over.
My past may be part of what made me who I am, but it is no sign of who I am NOW. I am a survivor. Acknowledging my space in this world as my own is making it easier to deal with today. I may feel crazy. I may feel like I'm always behind the 8 ball and struggling with minute details of life as a WAHM. But things have been hard before, and I survived. Things were not always in my control and I survived. I am exceptionally sensitive to negativity. It can easily consume me, even if it has nothing directly to do with my own life. If someone hurts, I hurt with them. But I am a survivor, and I will get through this stage of my life too.
I am a child of divorce. My parents divorced when I was very young. I am not defined by their relationship, I am still a successful adult, despite what many people say happens to children of divorce. I survived.
I am a child of alcoholism. I have lived with domestic abuse related to alcoholism, as my mother lived with an abuser for several years. I have watched my mother sink her life into alcohol too. I know that her choices are not my responsibility and even if I disagree with them I understand that this is her choice to make. I have seen the bottle destroy many special things, and moments. I choose not to live my life that way. I survived.
I am a mother of a special needs child. You know what? He was special before. I do nothing different now than I did before, I just have a little more support along the way. I did nothing to 'cause' this diagnosis, and I can do nothing to take it away. He is still the same boy he has always been. It was hard getting to this point and truly understanding that overall this didn't change my life. I was always there helping him and I will always be there. I had bad news, but I survived.
I am a wife who has struggled with thoughts of divorce, faced the risks and realities of affairs and infidelity, battled good times and bad. Every day we learn a new way to communicate, a new piece of the puzzle becomes clear. Every day we try to make tomorrow better. Together, we have survived.
I have lost a job. I have worked for a company that went bankrupt. I have had to go to a food bank to feed my family. I have dealt with creditors calling non-stop. I have dealt with my trucker being laid off, at CHRISTMAS. I've suffered severe depression. I've lost friends and family to disease, I have also lost friends to silly differences. I have had bouts of insomnia. I have been bullied. I have been fat. I have been teased. I have even been stalked.
Through every one of those events in my life, when I thought the world was just absolutely going to end for me, even when occasionally I wished and prayed that the earth would stop, open up and just swallow me whole.... I survived.
No, my past does not define me. It proves to me that I am strong. I can do this. I can be whatever I want to be. No matter how bad a situation feels, it is NOT the end of the world.
It is simply a new beginning.
And I will survive.