The Search For The Perfect Planner

Sadly, this tale has no happy ending.  Ultimately, the planner that I need doesn't exist.  I'm a work at home mom.  I try to volunteer at the school, spend time with the family, add time for writing and exercise and of course, fit work into the demands of daily life. I split my days into 15 minute increments to keep track and I run from the time I wake up until the wee hours of night most often.

So, I need a planner that is small enough to carry around and fit nicely beside my computer when I'm working. I need a planner with a to-do list that I can move from day to day.  I need a month at a glance, a week at a glance and a day by day that shows everything from 6 am to 2 am.  I created a form for myself that had my day only, this worked great, I could flag work hours vs. home hours easily. To make it large enough to actually write in, it takes a page per day. This page doesn't have room for much to-do or action items, so I need a separate list. 

My work tasks are logged in an internal system and my time is also entered there. Logic screams that I should only be tracking my time in there. But there are errors. Occasionally, items don't save properly and occasionally the user (yes, me) makes mistakes and has nothing to compare it to.

Enter the time tracking cell phone app. This works great for tracking my time on the go, but then it gets messy. The reports don't break things down in a great way for me to quickly enter my time on the work system. The paper planner wasn't great for time entry either but at least I had back up. In order to get a list from the app that I can work with, I have to email it to myself, then spent time sorting and filtering and transferring the time.

There are so many things I need to keep track of, and ideally it would be all in one place, right?  I'm trying to track my fitness and exercise. I need to keep track of how much water I drink, because I never drink enough. I'm trying to track my work hours. I need an ongoing list of to-do's for the homefront. I need a list of appointments and outings. I need to keep track of the kids daily needs (so I never have to try to remember when the last time Angel Baby had a bath was) and their events.  I need to keep track of my blogging for two reasons, first of which is to make sure I do spend time writing and second is to make sure I'm not spending TOO MUCH time writing.

The worst part of it is that if it is not written down, it will likely get forgotten and I will have to spend hours going over my open tasks for work, digging out school calendars, staring at the missed cleaning jobs or checking for empty dresser drawers in the mad search for school clothes.

My brain went downhill seriously each time I popped out a baby, I should have stopped earlier!

Once upon a time, I used my pretty Flylady Control Journal. It managed a lot of my routine items. I still couldn't fit work into it and I still needed my calendar for other items, but it kept me on track. The problem was that it was too big. It took up too much space. A big Binder, no matter how pretty, just always seemed to be in the way. So it got forgotten.

I stress myself often over the perfect way to manage everything. At times I just give up on trying to manage anything.  I know that I can do this, I've done it before. I don't have to do anywhere near as much as I did in the past. It's silly to think that those things matter. Really, if you are going to look at my baseboards and check for dust... you deserve to find it!  And really, it doesn't matter what kind of planner or agenda you have if you don't have the motivation to do what's in it!

Today I downsized. I'm going to depend on sticky notes and a small student agenda. Just a week at a glance type of book, exactly like the one my kids bring home from school, only smaller.  I'm not going to fill it with details. I can map out my tasks generally, note my hours for work as a total, list appointments or commitments and I can find a way to track my fitness if I want to. The point of exercising is to just go, I'm not hugely concerned about when or how, just the IF. 

I'm a compulsive planner. There is always a better way to do everything. But this time, I am doing something completely unlike me and I'm letting go of the details. My September goals are attainable and simple. This is one area where I will allow the imperfection and just try something different.

How do you keep track of your time?  Got any suggestions?

Something To Look Forward To

The sun is shining in a beautiful blue sky today. I've got a bounce in my step that has been missing too often lately. I have the scent of the remaining birthday roses floating across the table in the light breeze from the window.  It's a great day.  

Looking Forward!

Nothing special, really. Laundry and working. Not a big list of exciting plans. Just another Wednesday in my life.  But I feel good.

I was having a really hard time figuring this out. What is different?  Surely having the kids back in school didn't MAGICALLY make things better. This is only day 4. Where did this peace come from?  I've been sleeping better, eating better, exercising more. I'm managing my time like it's easy. Floating from one thing to another.  So what happened?

Macboy was kind enough to shed light on this situation.  You see, he hates school. He has since kindergarten. It's not any specific thing, he has good friends and he likes his teachers. What he doesn't like is wasting time. And repeated practice of a skill you possess feels like wasted time. He loves math and science because you can 'do something with it' but he loathes writing. Writing notes that are already written in a text book?  WASTED TIME.  Summarizing a book to a teacher who has read the book, (aka. book reports) WASTED TIME.  The rough part is that many times I agree with him. He learns in a different way. I had to write everything to remember it. Once I've written it with my own hands, it's pretty much cemented in my brain.  Not him. He doesn't even look like he's paying attention but can often repeat everything you just said.

Back to the point here, he has been coming home happy every day so far. He didn't have the massive stress levels before the first days that we've experienced every year so far. There were some signs, but nothing huge. He's getting himself out of bed in the mornings and he's ready to go.

I asked him what is different this year. He said "nothing." I probed a bit, as I'm likely to do, (which usually turns out bad because I remind my kid of a problem he had forgotten) And he said that summer was just about too long. There were too many rainy days, too many hot days, too many friends away, all of that.  He said the beginning of summer is great because you know that you have two months to just do whatever you want. 

Being back to school gives him something to look forward to. I was moved by this observation. Really shocked. He is absolutely right. Everything feels better when you have something to look forward to.  The days go better. When I'm moping around the house where all I can look forward to is making dinner for everyone and then washing all their dishes, I'm not very happy.  But I've found somewhere to go, something to do for just myself and I love it. I have never been one to enjoy exercise (wonder where my kids get it) but I love this membership I've got. It's not about reaching my goals or losing weight or anything like that. 

I can spend my day looking forward to a break. Some time to myself, for myself.  And the difference is huge.

I let this thought steep in my brain for a while and then I brought it up with Macboy again. I mentioned that I was surprised he was looking forward to school everyday. It's a great thing to know that you have something to do everyday. Things aren't quite as boring, even though sometimes the days seem to go a little too fast.

He looked at me kind of puzzled. I reminded him of our conversation a few days before. Then he laughed at me.  

"Mom, I don't look forward to GOING to school, 

I look forward to 3:30 everyday when it's done."

No matter what it is, no matter how big or how small, give yourself something to look forward to and you will keep moving forward!

Shifting Focus For September - Goals and Plans

Start strong, stay strong
Exercise at least 3 times a week
Play with all three kids at least once every day (even if only 10 minutes)
Teach Angel Baby Something new
Eat Breakfast every day
Make Time for marriage (don't forget the hubs!)
Be present, stay focused
Expect and allow imperfection
Relish the small things

I need to keep myself moving ever forward. There will be no going back to those dark places I was in over the summer. I'm confident I can do this and I'm taking the right steps to get there. I'm not aiming for perfect, I'm looking for comfortable, happy, relaxed. School has just started and we are planning our last camping trip of the summer, after this weekend life will slow down and then I can seriously look at my situation and figure out what has to go. There is something that just makes it 'too much' and I need to remove it. Just not sure yet what it is!

September will be a great month.

Even Negative Attention is Attention

I sunk. I think I hit a harder bottom this time than I ever had before. My family and friends could see that I wasn't happy, but I have been through this before. They know I am strong. They know that when I really need something, I will ask for it.  But I didn't ask. I just stared at all the common sense problems I could see, and I got angry. OH. SO. ANGRY. Why should I have to ask? Why don't they do this on their own? Seriously. How many adults are here?  Why am I doing everything?  Why are they criticizing me? Why isn't anything

good enough

You know why?  Because I pushed them out of my way. "Yes, I need help. No, you can't do that I need it my way. Yes, do the laundry, please! Oh... you put that in the dryer? UGH..." 

It's hard to recover when you can't see the help you are getting. It's hard to recover when you are filling yourself with your perception of others expectations. I let it go, I let it grow out of control. And it resulted in the fiery wrath. I was ready to run.

What scared me this time, just before the breaking point, was that I lost sight of what was important. I have never wanted to run from my kids. EVER. But this time it felt like the ultimate punishment for those who couldn't see what was wrong.  They thought it should be easy. They think it's fun and games raising kids. My kids are strong, I've taught them well. I knew they could manage without me here. I knew that even just a few days of teaching those who couldn't see... would MAKE them appreciate me.

I would take a quick trip to the store, the best version of 'me-time' I could get. I would grab what I needed and be ready to leave, then I would wander through the store. I'd finally force myself to pay for what I picked up and I'd head to the van. I'd stare at the steering wheel, wishing I had somewhere (anywhere) else to go. I didn't want to come home.  I wasn't ready to face what was waiting. Kids crying, dishes waiting, messes everywhere. More and more signs of what I didn't do.

And I hated to admit that I was failing. I was. I was spending more time crying than laughing. I was frozen. I wanted to be happy, I keep chasing that dream, but I couldn't get moving.  Many days I couldn't even shower and dress. I lived in PJ's and stared at the things that needed to be done. I'd hyperfocus on work. Instead of feeling good about what I was doing, I was chasing my tail. I was behind, so I'd focus until I hit my needed hours and then crash again. At one point, I even messed up an entire project. Just before my vacation time, I did a whole project and it was crap. Sincerely crap. Something that would have needed to be redone entirely, not just bits and pieces, the whole darn thing.  Thankfully, while I was away, it was done. It was done well by someone else, with no looking back.

It hurt to admit it. It was awful. Up until then, I could at least give myself the credit that I did my job and I did it well. But then what? I worried about getting fired. How do I explain that?  I fell on work as an excuse, but my work was garbage. 

So there it was. I had a hubby I couldn't talk to, a job I sucked at, a mother who was constantly on my tail about something I didn't do right (if at all), and 3 kids who seemed to be purposely misbehaving when I was weakest.  

But my kids were not misbehaving. They were behaving like kids. Things get spilled, things get broken. It happens. The work they created for me was all I could see.

My hubby didn't hate me, he just didn't know what to say. He didn't understand because I never explained it.

And my mom, well, yes, she's picky. But she didn't intend to criticize, she could see what I wasn't doing. She was trying to push me forward and I just took it as complaining. 

I do feel better now. It's still a long road, but I'm headed the right way. I am trying. I'm also not trying AS HARD. Hyper focus hurts. It hurts my family because I'm not paying attention to what really matters and it hurts me. I spent the day scrubbing the bathrooms, when all that needed to be done was sweeping a floor. Instead of doing what needed to be done, I was doing everything possible to avoid doing it. Almost like I was looking for attention.

Just like kids, even negative attention is attention.

No more.  No more excuses. I'm using a timer again to prevent the hyper focus habit. When I go overboard, I sacrifice quality.  I'm not diving into new routines, school will start and change it all anyway. I'm taking each day as it comes. I'm not filling my life with lists and to-do's. I can see what needs to be done and I will do that.  When I have a list, I constantly pick the most abstract ways to avoid doing the simple things that drive me crazy...

By believing that everyone else thought I was a failure, I failed. I failed myself. I gave up.  My hubby deserves a wife who is not anticipating his next complaint, my mom deserves a daughter who recognizes the things SHE does for me too. She helps me a lot. Without her my house would be a disaster.  And my kids deserve a mom who is not thinking of 55 things she thinks she has to do while she's playing with them.

I failed myself. I stood in the way of my own peace of mind. I believed the mean things that I thought everyone was saying. I stopped trying. No one should ever stop trying. I couldn't 'do it all' so I didn't do anything. And I got lost in the process.

I'll be telling you more about the changes I've made, the few things I need to keep working on and how I'm pulling my socks back up and getting back into life.  

Yes, socks. Because I AM dressed everyday.

It's Dark At The Bottom

Have you ever suffered from depression?  Many people get the blues now and then, mood swings are normal. But have you ever sat at the bottom of a well, looking up trying to see daylight?  The walls of the well are lined with all the things you have to do everyday and you just can't climb out?

I'm not talking about going to work, or trying to renovate your home, either. I mean EVERY part of your day. You have to force yourself to put your feet on the floor. You walk around like a zombie. You reach for your coffee and it helps you stay awake, but eventually it doesn't even taste like anything.  The simple things, like brushing your teeth are chores you have to write down to remember.

Maybe you have a day or two that are sluggish. Lazy even. You ignore a simple job like picking a towel off the floor.  Everyone gets this way sometimes. You scrape through the day doing absolutely nothing more than you HAVE to do. If you are a parent, you can get your kids through their day. They are dressed, bathed, fed, well looked after. You even take part in active play with them. You listen to their dreams and their fears.  You wake up the next day and know that it was a dry spell, just a slump, and you jump back into reality.  You can't be depressed, really.... look how much you can do in a day!

What if you woke up and realized that you didn't know what day it was? What if your eyes burned because you are crying in your sleep, when you thought that sleep was your only escape? What if you had a week of this?  What if no one seemed interested in you? What if there was no one there to be interested?

Maybe you're angry?  You're not depressed. You are furious!  Surely everyone can see that you have way to much on your plate. Why isn't this common sense to them? It's all obvious to you, so why can't they see what is holding you down?  Why has it been 6 months since anyone did anything for you??? 

Months?  What?  When did a bad day turn into months?  Do you remember the last time you felt good?  Do you know who you are? What made you smile? Where are your friends? Why is your spouse seeming so cranky?  What do you mean I've been standing here for 45 minutes?  I just came in here a minute ago to do the dishes!

Depression sneaks up on you. Sometimes you can feel the fall. Sometimes you know it's coming, but usually by the time you recognize it, you are already sliding. I'm not one to say that if you survive a bad depression you will be happy for the rest of your life. It's going to be a threat. But getting help and getting through it means that you will be stronger next time. And each time you tread through it you will have more clues, more tools and more support.

We never asked to be depressed. And we don't ask for help.  Who wants to hear "oh, you're feeling sad? You should have called me!" A) depression doesn't always mean sadness, and B) if you can't even put socks on, making a call is pretty unlikely.  And what would you say?  "Hi, I'm feeling kind of weird. I don't know what it is. I'm frustrated" or angry, achy, sleepy, hungry.... there are so many different ways that depression can show.  And you surely don't want to sound like you are searching for sympathy.  Of course, this is if you actually KNOW that you are feeling depressed.

If you don't know, things can get ugly. Even if you do know, you may not have the strength to get up.

But help is out there... don't be afraid to ask. You can see the sunshine again, you just might need someone to show you where it is.

Take some small steps. Write down the basics if you need to. Yes, I have had a list that said
"Put your feet on the floor, get some clothes for the day, go shower, brush your teeth. Dress. EAT."
And I still had days go by that I couldn't do that whole list. I could meet other's demands or needs, but I couldn't get me dressed?  And I certainly did NOT enjoy one minute of doing everything for everyone else.

But I'm working harder now.  I opened up the flood gates. It started poorly, I was screaming and crying at the others here. But I let out every mean horrible thought I'd had recently. I dumped it all out, I talked and cried until I was just empty. I honestly had nothing to say to anyone.
I scared them.
I scared me.

Then, after I ran out of things to scream... I was able to look up and see that those people are still there. They acknowledge my points, not just ignore them. And what the ??? They hug me?

They help me. They talk to me. They open up and let me know that I'm not alone.

Much of this climb up is my own. This is an internal fight, no one can do it for me.  But I can reach out when I feel weak. My perception of life at the moment, is not reality. Or, rather, it was not. It is cognitive distortions that rule my world. I've asked for help, less judgement and more support. But most importantly, I've admitted that I can't do everything.

I can feel better. I will feel better. And the big projects that are unfinished and haunting my thoughts ... can wait. Small steps. Each day is a new day.

Today, I am dressed. I am rested. I have eaten. I have worked. I have taken care of me, not just my kids. There are toys on the floor, but they are not going to hurt anyone. The small things that I've accomplished today are huge. They are big steps towards being healthy. If nothing else gets done today, I'm okay.

Just because I was able to do everything before, doesn't mean I have to do everything now. My kids are growing. My Angel Baby is 3 now, out of a crib and not napping. This is a big change. My days are busier. I don't have to do everything I did before. Because life changes. And if I don't change with it, I can not get better.